It’s almost as if I want to be forgotten. Lives will be easier, no disturbances, no distractions, just nothing from me. But whenever the time comes, I do everything I can to prevent it. Why is that?

Still clinging to that small hope? What is it anyways? I know and I don’t know. Denying and accepting over and over. And what if I was successful? Am I just going to abandon? Them?

It wouldn’t be right. Then why I am doing it?

 

I know and I don’t know

If only I was braver, then this would have never happened.

who are you?

Do you know me?
I said, do you know me?
The person I knew is not this pitiful and pathetic.
He was always drunk and scary and always yelling and always mad.
He took his anger out by slapping me and kicking me.
Even when I got nosebleeds and had bruises all over my face and body, not once did he blink.
Even if my arms and legs were broken, he had no sympathy.
If you wanted me to remember someone, then you should have found someone like that.
If you really wanted me to, you should have found someone similar.
I’m sorry, but that is not you.
You are not him.
I don’t even know you.
Do you understand?

it feels like

it’s just me against the world

i guess

i’m still addicted to painkillers

..

..

..omo im craving bbq ribs.

aigooo this hospital food sucks

someone save me..

so they found out there’s some bleeding between my skull and my brain..

currently in ICU being monitored.. hooked into a million tubes.. with very limited painkillers..too much could interfere with brain activity or something..

theyre not sure if i need to go to surgery or not because they dont know whats causing the bleeding..well find out tomorrow i guess

the severity of it yet is unknown.. but right now im okay but they say if this was caught any later i wouldve died maybe

ugh..my arms.. the tubes.. my whole body is in pain

its so painful i cant sleep..

aiii otteoke..

ahh should i tell him..?

ahh.. i dont want to bother him..

can someone save me..?

little bear

ahh so nice of him to bring my littlebear here

i feel much better now

nov 15 ramblings

well it’s been a while since i blogged.

hmm..are things any better? it’s hard to tell..it’s good and not so good.

at least it started out well. we had a little after midterm celebration with our closest friends. that was pretty fun. i got to see my friends and played some games.

i spent the remainder of the week at his house even though he spent most of it working.

at least it gives me time to try and prepare a delicious dinner for him. even though i didnt see him much, at the end of the day, when he comes home, i would feel happy seeing him and so would he.

it makes me smile thinking about it.. even after what happened.. i am getting tired of this

i dont want to be sick

i dont want to take any more medicine or drugs

i dont want to feel any more pain

i keep missing both of them.. a lot

these things.. are a burden especially to those around me..

its one of the reasons why i keep quiet about myself

i cant even walk, the pain has spread throughout both my legs and it became unbearable that my brain shut my body down and now im here again.. in the hospital

ahh i always end up crying

sometimes i just want to give up

i always think about it but i never do it

maybe someday

..i can only smile so much

grr my desktop is so empty